Episode 75
Wax On Wax Off: Why knowledge isn't enough to change how you lead under pressure
In the original Karate Kid movie, Daniel spends what seems to be days of wasted time performing menial chores for Mr. Miyagi.
Four days of waxing the car, sanding the floor, refinishing the fence, and painting the walls.
The reveal comes when Daniel blows up and accuses Mr. Miyagi of taking advantage of him: “I’m being your goddam slave is what I’m being, man. For four days I’ve busting my ass and I haven’t learned a goddamn thing!”
That’s when Mr. Miyagi shows him how he's been learning karate all along, and he’s now got powerful defenses against punches and kicks firmly embedded in his muscle memory.
From that movie, my generation learned about putting in the reps.
Being a buoyant leader — one who maintains a regulated nervous system when things get tough — requires three things. And the third one has everything to do with reps done right.
Knowledge
First, you have to know what to do.
How to have the difficult conversation.
How to think strategically.
How to guide someone who’s struggling without disempowering them further.
Fortunately, knowledge is easy to acquire. Four gazillion business and self-help books are published every week, with dozens of frameworks for everything, and they mostly work fine.
But you’re not going to have a leadership breakthrough just from reading another leadership book.
The Body Has to Be Ready
You also need your nervous system to read safety rather than danger in the moment of action. When you’re triggered into fight or flight, what you know how to do becomes severely constrained by what your body thinks it needs to do in order to survive the next 30 seconds.
The problem is, most of us are carrying a heavy load of unmetabolized stress all the time, which means we’re just a sideways glance or a critical Slack message away from flipping into survival mode.
In order to follow a framework, you need your neurology to be in shape. Spending time every day de-stressing is critical for how you show up when the waters get choppy.
Defaulting to the Desired Behavior
You know what to do.
You’ve prepared your body so it has the capacity to do it.
But the thing about the frameworks in business and self-help books is, if they came naturally, you wouldn’t need the books.
If coaching for performance were the normal mode of conversation, I wouldn’t have spent so much of my career teaching leaders how to bring out the best in their teams.
What you need is a training system that turns the new behaviors into your defaults.
In other words, reps.
The Reps
What’s missing in most training and self-development plans is the reps.
You've read the books and listened to the podcasts. You've got a daily breathwork practice dialed in. On a calm Tuesday afternoon, you're the leader you want to be. But calm Tuesday afternoons aren’t where your leadership gets tested.
You discover on Thursday morning that marketing totally ignored your directive to double the number of webinars. Your voice gets loud, sharp, and angry before you’ve even realized that you’ve let it. And now your team is walking on eggshells or making a mental note to email that headhunter the moment they get home.
Or your director of sales is coasting on last year’s numbers, while insisting that the problem is lead quality. You need to have a difficult conversation with them, but you keep finding reasons to put it off until next week. And when you do, you soft-pedal the hard feedback so exquisitely that they miss it — and you’re relieved when they do.
Knowledge and body readiness are necessary but not sufficient when your ingrained habits are pulling you in the old dysfunctional direction.
Under stress, you’re going to default to that old behavior, unless you put in the reps so that the new and unfamiliar becomes second nature.
You’ve got to put in the reps. Wax on, wax off.
But Effective Reps
If Daniel had walked away from Mr Miyagi’s house and given up on Day 4, those reps would have been utterly wasted.
What made the training effective was Mr Miyagi throwing punches and kicks while shouting at Daniel to “paint the deck” or “sand the floor.”
To change behavior, you’ve got to practice reps in context.
In The Karate Kid, the context was martial arts.
In your workplace, the context is the various situations that can hijack you into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn (the basic menu of stress responses).
Which means that any effective program to transform and elevate your leadership must dig new pathways.
Most leadership training gives you the knowledge.
Self-care routines like yoga, breathwork, and meditation can bolster your neurological stability.
Are you missing the third element: the neurological pathways for the new behavior firing faster than the old ones?
Your Mission
What’s your most costly hijack trigger — the situation that pulls most powerfully against your best leadership?
What’s one way you can start preparing for that situation?
What’s your version of Wax On, Wax Off? And where can you practice it in increasingly relevant and charged contexts?
The Reps You Can’t Do By Yourself
Everything above is trainable. But not by reading about it, and not by yourself, alone.
Daniel needed Mr Miyagi’s attacks to turn implicit knowledge into effective action.
The way to close that gap between knowing and being able to do it consistently is to experience real-life pressure repetition under real emotional load.
In a room that's safe enough to let you fail and structured enough to make the failure useful.
A stress dojo, if you will.
That's what The Buoyant Leader Experience is. Two days with a small cohort of leaders, each working the specific moment that triggers them — the board question, the confrontation, the crisis.
And you do it live, with peers who are practicing same as you. Through realistic scenarios, you enter conversations and situations that would normally hijack you, and pause and re-enter them again and again, until the new pathways start to hold.
You arrive having mapped your hijack. You leave having worked it: felt it fire, caught it, and responded from buoyancy instead of reactivity. Not as a concept, but as a lived experience your body remembers.
Date and location are coming soon. If this is the work you've been circling, let's start the conversation now. Hit me up at howiejacobson.com.
Transcript
For four days I've been busting my ass. I haven't learned a goddamn thing. Ah, you learn plenty. I learned plenty. I learned how to sand your decks, maybe. I've washed your car, paint your house, paint your fence. I learned plenty, right. Ah, not everything is as seem- Oh, bullshit. I'm going home, man. And that's when Mr.
learned about putting in the [:First, you gotta know what to do. You need the knowledge. How to have that difficult conversation, how to think strategically, how to make decisions, how to guide someone who's struggling without disempowering or discouraging them further. Fortunately, knowledge is easy to get. You know, every day four gazillion business and self-help books are published with dozens of frameworks for everything, and honestly, they mostly work fine.
w how to do becomes severely [:Uh, the problem is most of us are carrying a heavy load of unmetabolized stress all the time, which means we're just a sideways glance or a critical Slack message away from flipping into this survival mode. In order to follow one of those brilliant frameworks offered in business or self-help books, you need your neurology to be in shape, and spending time every day de-stressing is critical for how you show up when the waters get choppy.
But the third thing is what I wanna talk about today, and that is defaulting to the desired behavior. Again, you know what to do. Let's say you've prepared your body, so it has the capacity to do it. But the thing about these frameworks and these business and self-help books is if they came naturally, you wouldn't need the books.
be written. If coaching for [:In other words, you need reps. And that's what's missing in most training and self-development plans is the reps. Again, you've read the books and listened to the podcast. You've got a daily breathwork practice dialed in, let's say. On a calm Tuesday afternoon, you are the leader you want to be. But calm Tuesday afternoons aren't where your leadership gets tested or forged.
Let's say you discover on Thursday morning that marketing t- somehow totally ignored your directive to double the number of webinars. Your voice gets loud, sharp, and angry before you've even realized that you've let it, and now your team is walking on eggshells or making a mental note to email that headhunter the moment they get home.
Or your director [:And to be honest, you're kinda relieved that they do. Knowledge and body readiness are necessary but not sufficient when your ingrained habits are pulling you in the old dysfunctional direction. Under stress, you're going to default to that old behavior unless you put in the reps so that the new and unfamiliar become second nature.
was what happened next, Mr. [:Sand the floor." To change behavior, you've got to practice your reps in context. In The Karate Kid, the context was martial arts. In your workplace, the context is the various situations that can hijack you into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, the basic menu of stress responses. Which means that any effective program to transform and elevate your leadership must dig new pathways Again, leadership training gives you the knowledge.
ijack trigger, the situation [:And what's one way you can start preparing for that situation? What's your version of wax on, wax off? And where can you practice it in increasingly relevant and charged contexts? Now, everything I've talked about is trainable, but again, not by reading about it and not by yourself alone. Daniel needed Mr.
Miyagi's attacks to turn implicit knowledge into effective action. The way to close that gap between knowing and being able to do it consistently is to experience real-life pressure repetition under real emotional load in a room that's safe enough to let you fail and structured enough to make that failure useful.
. It's two days with a small [:Through realistic scenarios, you enter conversations and situations that would normally hijack you, and you pause and reenter them again and again until the new pathways start to hold. You arrive having mapped your hijack, and you leave having worked it. You've felt it fire, you've caught it, and you've responded from buoyancy instead of reactivity, not as a concept, but as a lived experience your body remembers.
Dates and locations are coming soon, but if this is the work you've been circling, let's start the conversation now. You can reach out to me at howiejacobson.com.
