Episode 14
Nah, I'm Good
What if someone in your life is struggling, and you know you could help them if they just let you?
It feels cruel to just let them suffer on their own, making the same mistake over and over again, when all they have to do is listen to you.
- Maybe you’ve been where they are, and you can offer support from a place of wisdom.
- Maybe you’ve helped others with this same issue, and you know you can ease their pain.
- Maybe you’re simply a composed and caring sounding board, someone who can listen and ask smart questions to upgrade their mindset.
In a perfect world, they’d ask for your help. My bat-phone would ring, and someone I care about would say, “Hey, Howie, Help me if you can, I’m feeling down.”
In a slightly less-than-perfect world, I might notice their distress and say, “Hey, I can help,” and they’d say, “Oh, yes, that would be amazing.”
Needing Help is a Hard Place
But in the is-world, as opposed to the wish-it-were-world, people often don’t want to admit they need help. They might feel weak, or needy, or not-enough.
And it’s even harder for folks to ask for or accept help from people who have “skin in the game” of your life. If I’m their employee, colleague, or boss; spouse, parent, or child — then they have extra reason to be wary of my motives in wanting to help: Am I trying to make their life better, or my own?
Depending on the power dynamics in our relationship, I might have the power to plow through their reluctance or resistance and insist that they talk to me about the issue.
But I guarantee that doing so will generate a superficial conversation at best, with no buy-in on their end, no matter how brilliant the solution we devise.
Start with Permission
That’s why the first move in initiating a helping conversation is to obtain permission to have the conversation.
And that involves being totally willing to have them withhold that permission.
In other words, your ability to influence depends on giving up control.
That’s not quite right. Here it is, better: Your ability to influence depends upon giving up the illusion of control.
Next time: An approach (and a script) for asking for permission to help.
I support leaders and their teams to achieve high performance through mindset mastery, individually and collectively. Find out more about how I can help at askHowie.com.
Transcript
Nah, I'm good.
2
:Y people who need our
help refuse our help.
3
:What, if someone in your life is
struggling and you know, you could
4
:help them if they just would let you.
5
:It feels cruel to just let them
suffer on their own, making the
6
:same mistake over and over again.
7
:When all they have to do is listen to you.
8
:Maybe you've been where they are and you
can offer support from a place of wisdom.
9
:Maybe you've helped others
with this same issue and, you
10
:know, you can ease their pain.
11
:Maybe you're simply a composed and
caring, sounding board, someone
12
:who can listen and ask smart
questions to upgrade their mindset.
13
:In a perfect world.
14
:They'd ask for your help.
15
:My bat phone would ring and someone
I care about would say, Hey, Howie.
16
:Hello.
17
:If you can, I'm feeling damn.
18
:And a slightly less than perfect world.
19
:I might notice their distress
and say, Hey, I can help.
20
:And they'd say, oh yes,
that would be amazing.
21
:Uh, needing help is a hard place.
22
:But in the is world, as opposed to
the wishes where world people often
23
:don't want to admit they need help.
24
:They might feel weak
or needy or not enough.
25
:And it's even harder for folks to ask
for or accept, help from people who
26
:have skin in the game of their life.
27
:If I'm their employee colleague
or boss, spouse, parent, or child.
28
:Then they have an extra reason to be
wary of my motives and wanting to help.
29
:Am I trying to make their
life better or my own.
30
:Depending on the power dynamics
in our relationship, I might have
31
:the power to plow through their
reluctance or resistance and insist
32
:that they talk to me about the issue.
33
:But I guarantee the doing so we'll
generate a superficial conversation
34
:at best with no buy-in on their end.
35
:No matter how brilliant
the solution we devise.
36
:Start with permission.
37
:That's why the first move in initiating
a helping conversation is to obtain
38
:permission to have the conversation.
39
:And that involves being totally willing
to have them withhold that permission.
40
:In other words, Your ability
to influence depends on giving
41
:up the illusion of control.
42
:Next newsletter and approach and a
script for asking for permission to help.
43
:I support leaders in their teams to
achieve high performance through mindset
44
:mastery, individually and collectively.
45
:So you guys can accomplish
what matters most to you.
46
:Find out more about how
I can help@askhowie.com.
